What inspired you to write a book specifically for the partners of people living with depression?
As a professor of psychology, I have been researching depression for nearly 30 years. During that time, I have had a private practice as well, where I have seen many clients with depression. What I have noticed with clients and in discussions with friends is that people feel super stuck when their partner is depressed. They see their partner in the pit of despair, and they’re looking down, seeing the suffering but they feel helpless and paralyzed. They genuinely don’t know what to do. They want to help partners get better, but don’t have the skills or resources. What they desire are effective tools to help their partners.
Partners of individuals with depression are also feeling a mix of conflicting emotions. On one hand, they may love their partner and want to support them but, on the other, are frustrated and perhaps even resentful or angry, thinking “I didn’t sign up for this” or “how long do I need to keep carrying the weight of responsibility in the relationship?” I also wanted to provide a toolkit of strategies for them—to help the reader cope effectively and care for their own well-being.
Finally, we know that depression and relationship distress go hand in hand. I wanted to give readers a set of science-backed strategies for helping them navigate these issues and improve their relationship.
This book is divided into three main parts—strategies for helping your partner, tools for supporting yourself, and tips for bolstering the relationship. The final section highlights how to find hope, deal with forgiveness, and find meaning and purpose through suffering.
What do you wish every partner understood about what depression feels like from the inside?
I hope that every partner can understand that depression is brutal. It’s more than just low mood. It is a mental disorder that involves overwhelming and enveloping darkness and despair. Depression is associated with significant impairments in how we think, feel, and behave and is intertwined with a host of physical symptoms that impair functioning. Common symptoms include sadness, loss of interest or difficulty experiencing pleasure, concentration difficulties, problems with sleep and appetite, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness, agitation and restlessness or slowing down physically, and suicidal thoughts.
It’s important to remember that your partner with depression is not wanting to feel this way; they can’t help it. Depression takes over and a dark cloud consumes their energy, zaps their motivation, extinguishes their enjoyment, and makes them feel empty, sad, and distressed.
Although depression and relationship distress go together, it’s not your fault or your partner’s fault that they are feeling this way. It’s important not to try to determine the cause but instead focus on what you can do to support them, help yourself, and save the relationship.
The book outlines many strategies for doing this, but one step is to learn not to personalize your partner’s symptoms. You might be telling your partner about your day and realize that they haven’t heard a single word you’ve said. You might interpret this as lack of interest or lack of care. But recognizing that this could be because of an inability to concentrate (a symptom of depression) might help you be less hurt. Similarly, you may have prepared a romantic evening together. Perhaps you made your partner’s favorite dish, lit candles, and played Ed Sheeran songs hoping that you might have a night of intimacy. But it didn’t work out the way you had planned and your partner, instead, has retreated to the bedroom to be on their own. Understanding that lack of sex drive is related to symptoms of depression (low energy, loss of interest, fatigue), although still disappointing and frustrating, may help take the edge off or at least prevent you from taking it personally.
How can partners encourage their loved one to seek treatment when they are reluctant to get help?
It’s tough when your partner is reluctant to seek help. You might feel helpless and hopeless on one hand and resentful and bitter on the other. Before sharing your concerns, take time to think about how your partner might react. Put yourself in their shoes. Consider some of the beliefs your partner could have that interfere with their openness to consider professional help and be prepared to respond in a caring and validating way. Does your partner tend to minimize the severity of their problems? Do they find it difficult or embarrassing to tell others what they are experiencing? Do they have negative ideas about treatment? Are they unaware of what help is available or what this might specifically entail?
Be gentle and don’t push too much but have an honest discussion with them about what you have noticed and why you’re concerned. Tell your loved one how you see depression impacting them. Be candid about how it’s affecting you and your relationship, but try to avoid the blame game. Instead, point out the specific behaviors you’ve observed—that you have noticed they’ve been crying more, losing interest in things, or withdrawing from you and others.
Try to help your partner disclose what they are going through by asking questions. Listen with compassion and try to understand their reservations. When they are open to hearing about it, share what you know about effective, evidence-based treatments.
It’s also important to know when to stop. You can’t force your partner to get help. The decision must come from them, and they may not be ready. Persuading may only push them away and generate hurt and pain for both of you. Give them space and time.
Depression can make communication difficult. What strategies do you recommend for maintaining connection during challenging periods?
So often when someone we love is depressed, we jump into “fix it” mode. Although this makes a lot of sense, what we need to do instead is to simply be there for them, validate, and support.
A first step in communicating better is to take a mental inventory of where things are right now. How do you and your partner interact when you discuss relationship issues? Is one person typically more aggressive and the other more passive? Does one increase demands while the other withdraws? Do you bicker and escalate, or do you avoid and brush everything under the rug?
Sometimes it can be helpful to remember that you’re not each other’s enemy. Can you both agree to put a pause on the negativity and try a different approach?
One strategy involves having one person start as the Speaker and the other as the Listener. Figure out who will go first and come up with some ground rules, such as how long each person will have to speak (usually a minute or two) and what issue you will talk about. The Speaker expresses their concern using “I” statements (for example, “I feel frustrated that I am usually the one to initiate conversation” or “I feel hurt that when I try to get close to you, you seem to pull away”).
The goal here is to express your feelings without getting riled up or into an argument. “You” statements usually result in the other person feeling blamed and attacked. Try to focus on the behaviors or situation rather than making statements about your partner’s character or personality. Be as concise and specific as possible. The Listener’s job is to really listen, understand and make your partner feel heard. Don’t interrupt, respond, or start thinking about how you might respond. Instead, really zero in on what your partner is saying. Be aware of your body language while your partner is speaking and make sure that you’re being receptive. Once the Speaker has finished, paraphrase what they have said to show your understanding. Then switch roles.
Another important strategy is to work to ensure you aren’t personizing your partner’s behavior or what they are saying. Try to be aware of your own thoughts about the situation and make sure that they are grounded in evidence. The book describes several ways to do this.
Rather than jumping to “fix” your partner, try to connect with them (understanding, validating, comforting). Then ask, “Is there any other way I can support you?”
Don’t just focus conversations on the negative. Try to also make a habit of focusing on what is going well (even if these are tiny victories). Have discussions that also focus on things other than depression (personal preferences and dislikes; ambitions and aspirations; personal values and vulnerabilities). This can facilitate closeness.
Many partners feel guilty about prioritizing their own needs when their partner is suffering from depression. What would you say to them?
So much of your time and emotional energy has been devoted to your partner that you may not have given much thought to your own mental health and well-being. When you do, it’s easy to feel guilty.
Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It’s also not selfish to want a partner who is present and engaged or to need help and support from them too.
If you don’t prioritize your needs, you won’t have enough in yourself to support them. In addition, your needs matter too!
Make sure that you prioritize sleep, exercise regularly, eat well, connect with others, do what you find rewarding, and make time to relax. You want to be supportive, but you also need to take care of yourself. The book outlines a number of ways you can do this and addresses how to manage these feelings.
How can a partner avoid crossing the line from being supportive to feeling overly responsible for their partner’s recovery?
How much responsibility to take on is difficult to determine. Essentially, it boils down to what you are willing to do and how willing you are to do it. No one—not friends, family, or even professionals—can give you the “correct” answer. It depends on your own individual values and goals. Having said that, it’s important to determine what is helpful for your partner, you, and your relationship not just in the short term, but also in the long run.
There are many effective ways to support a partner with depression. Listening and validating, educating oneself about depression and the best treatment options available, and working to increase behavioral activation and change negative thinking are all helpful strategies. But it’s not your job to rescue your partner.
When considering whether you’re taking on too much, also ask yourself, “How is helping my partner in this way affecting me?” When you’re caught up in the emotional tornado of your partner’s depression, it’s natural to get into survival mode and focus on the emergency at hand. Your attention shifts to your partner and their well-being, and you can easily neglect to take care of your own needs.
In Chapter 12, “The Power of Negative Thinking”, you discuss the idea of “putting on corrective lenses” to change your thinking and see your partner and their characteristics less negatively during difficult periods. Why is this an important strategy and what are some ways that partners can try this?
This is an important strategy because the way we think dramatically impacts how we feel and behave. In any long-term relationship our thinking can easily become negatively skewed. The very qualities that we once loved and admired in our partners begin to lose their luster. We can so easily put on tinted glasses. We start to focus on the negative qualities in our partner and miss attending to the positive. Putting on corrective lenses can help us be more accurate in our appraisals of our partners. This will help us respond differently to them which, in turn, will result in less conflict and frustration and better overall relationship quality and satisfaction.
One way to put on these “corrective lenses” is to be aware of your emotions and use them as signals to pay attention to your thoughts. Whenever you notice your mood change toward your partner—for example, you’re feeling more frustrated with them, angry, or, perhaps, hopeless about whether they will ever improve—that’s your cue to pay attention. Ask yourself, “What is this emotion telling me? What messages am I telling myself based on this feeling?" Rather than reaching a conclusion right away and reacting to the emotion, see if you can look at it from another angle.
Understanding and changing your thoughts will help you see things more clearly and respond in a way that will be more beneficial to you, your partner, and your relationship. Whenever you’re feeling a negative emotion—like sadness, anxiety, frustration, or anger—use that as an opportunity to check out your thoughts. Ask yourself, “What was I thinking just before I started to feel this way?”
Once you’re aware of the thoughts contributing to your emotions, the next step is to treat them not as a foregone conclusion but as a possibility. In other words, it can be helpful to consider your thoughts hypotheses to be tested rather than facts. Ask yourself, “Am I viewing this situation as objectively as possible? What does the evidence tell me? Are there other ways of looking at this? Can I come up with a more neutral explanation than the one my brain defaults to? What would a friend say to me if they knew I had this thought? What would I say to a close friend if I knew they had the same thought?”
It can also be helpful to think back to the qualities that first attracted you to your partner and to start making a deliberate effort to pay attention to the positive things your partner said or did. This can help revamp your focus.
See all titles by and read more about David J.A. Dozois on his author page!
