Q&A with the Author
Congratulations on the publication of Self-Compassion for Shame, your seventh book on mindfulness and compassion with Guilford Press! You are truly an expert in this field. In the introduction to your new book, you write that “shame is the most difficult human emotion.” What do you mean by this? What makes shame such a painful and complicated emotion to experience and cope with?
Shame is difficult because it hurts so much, but also because it's difficult to recognize. What's shame? Basically, shame is an attack on the self. Whereas guilt means "I did something bad," shame means "I am bad." It goes to the core of who we think we are. Most of us would rather do anything than feel shame. Usually we go small, go silent or go away. Sometimes we go on the attack, or become submissive to win back approval. The problem with shame is that there's no one home to work with it. We're too distracted or overwhelmed to say, "Ah...shame...I'm feeling shame!" Shame itself is just an emotion like any other—what makes shame so difficult is avoidance of shame. Fortunately, self-compassion gives us the capacity to be with shame and transform it for the better.
You write quite candidly about your own experience with shame, describing how, at its core, your fear of public speaking stemmed not simply from anxiety, but from a deeper sense of shame. Can you elaborate on this experience? Would you consider this an example of what you call “shame blindness”?
After graduating in 1984 with a PhD in clinical psychology, I struggled for 22 years with public speaking anxiety. Nothing I knew as a clinician or a mindfulness meditator seemed to help. Once it got so bad that I opened my mouth to speak and nothing came out. A well-intentioned person in the audience called out from the back of the hall, "Take a breath!" That was a low point. Finally, in 2006, when I felt truly broken, I started to practice loving-kindness meditation, not to alleviate my anxiety but simply because I was a hopeless case and needed some kind of comfort. I had the "gift of desperation." The message from my meditation teacher, Sharon Salzburg, was "Just love yourself!" After only four months of daily loving-kindness practice, I spoke at a big conference and my anxiety vanished.
After that penny-dropping moment, I realized that anxiety wasn't my problem after all. I wasn't afraid of shaking like a leaf—I was afraid of being judged for shaking like a leaf, especially judged by members of the audience as stupid, fraudulent or incompetent. Interestingly, self-compassion reduced my shame even though I didn't know I was suffering from shame. Yes, I was suffering from shame blindness. Nowadays, we know a lot more about the link between shame and public speaking anxiety.
Your video, “Self-Compassion: An Antidote to Shame,” has gone viral, with more than 1.6 million views and counting. The response certainly speaks to how deeply people connect with this topic—and to their desire to heal from shame. Were you surprised by the impact the video has had? In your expert opinion, what makes self-compassion such a powerful tool for breaking free from shame?
I'm still blown away by the interest in that video. After all, it's a Powerpoint presentation! From the many comments on YouTube, I think that people are relieved to discover that shame is an innocent emotion. The consequences of avoiding shame are anything but innocent, but the emotion itself arises from the innocent, universal wish to be loved. We would not feel shame if we didn't wish to be loved. That's an inherently positive, non-pathologizing, way to understand shame. And since we are more compassionate toward innocent beings, understanding shame in this way opens the door to being compassionate with ourselves.
What makes self-compassion such a powerful tool for shame? In my view, shame attacks our sense of self and self-compassion affirms our value as a human being. Self-compassion is the opposite of shame. Research also shows that as shame goes up, shame goes down. Therefore, even if shame doesn't seem like a big deal in our lives, if we practice self-compassion, it will alleviate underlying shame. That's what happened in my own case.
Self-Compassion for Shame is packed with helpful features, including “Try This” exercises, guided practices, and audio tracks available on the companion website. Of the sixteen audio meditations, are there one or two that are personal favorites—or that you find especially helpful when feelings of shame are particularly acute?
To be honest, I like them all. I still apply one or the other depending on the situation. When we asked participants in the Self-Compassion for Shame course which practices had the greatest impact on their lives, we often heard about "Mindfulness of Shame in Daily Life" and the "Self-Compassion Break for Shame." Just being able to recognize shame when it arises is huge. After that, everyone seems to have their own best way of being compassionate with themselves—using words, images, touch, movement, actions and so forth. The Self-Compassion Break has a few of those elements. There are many practice options in the book, along with the rationale for each practice, so that each person can become their own best teacher.
You have a full schedule of upcoming virtual and in-person events around the world. Is there one that you’re particularly excited about? And, looking ahead, do you think any of your current work might inspire your next book?
I love talking about shame, but more than anything I love to see how self-compassion for shame transforms lives. Most of us have a lot of energy tied up in shame. When we directly address shame with self-compassion, it's profoundly liberating, also for the teachers. I especially enjoy teaching as a team, online or in-person. I do that whenever I can. A next book? It took 20 years to write this one! For now, I think I'll just savor the moment, but thanks for asking. Guilford Press will be the first to know!
See all titles by and read more about Christopher Germer on his author page!
